DATING

'My daughter would not be allowed to date until she reached the reasonable age of about forty-seven. Then only if she has her black belt in karate, kung fu and has won a few matches in professional wrestling.'

BIRTHDAY PARTIES

'During a child's early years birthday parties are very popular social events that exist mainly for the parents of the child's friends. Parents bring their children to these infant parties, watch them spill things, fill their diapers and be very uninterested in anything going on around them except the dog's food dish or the cat's litter box.'

THE TRUTH

'We parents can give our child lengthy, fact-filled lectures about the virtues of telling the truth no matter what the situation. In the same breath and without feeling the slightest bit hypocritical we will then remind this same child not to forget to put their tooth under their pillow so they can get some money from the Tooth Fairy.